To raise caring children requires that they are loved and cared for,
so that they will care about and trust, rather than fear and mistrust
people. It requires that they receive firm guidance, that parents,
other caretakers, and peers don’t tolerate abusive behavior toward
others. This must not be punitive guidance, and it is more than a
matter of setting rules. Parents teach caring values by example and
by pointing out to children how their behavior affects others. Doing
so encourages empathy and feelings of responsibility and of effectiveness—a
sense that one can improve others’ welfare. Guiding children to engage
in helpful action—learning by doing—is also very important.
Can children who have been badly treated, even abused, be caring? In the past, people have assumed, because of the focus of their research, that such children will become aggressive, have psychological problems, or both. But there are many examples of people who have suffered as children devoting themselves to helping others. By their caring and affection, people can help children who have suffered learn that there is caring and love in the world. This is one of the avenues to what I have come to call “altruism born of suffering.”
How can families be agents for peace? They can teach children to be inclusively caring: not to draw a line at some “ingroup,” but to see the humanity of people beyond their group, and to care about all human beings. Families can be agents for peace by fostering moral courage—the ability to speak and act in support of important values even in the face of opposition, even in the face of potential harm. They can do this by encouraging and helping children to trust their voice, their views, and their expression within the family. They can do it by modeling active bystandership and moral courage, and by supporting their children when, in the larger world, they advocate for justice and peace.
Psychology professor Ervin Staub is the author of, among other books, The Psychology of Good and Evil: Why children, adults and groups help and harm others.
